


Missing Pieces

by rwdaf



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Memories, Spring, Spring Cleaning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 20:46:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14316849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwdaf/pseuds/rwdaf
Summary: Phil wanted to get their house cleaned as it was the perfect time for spring cleaning. However, old memories make it harder and unable to let go of past feelings.





	Missing Pieces

The smell of freshly cut grass lingered down the streets, making its way into the homes of people whose windows were open. A light breeze was rolling through, keeping it moderately chilly, but not enough to need the heat to be turned on. In the far distance, in trees whose leaves were finally returning for the year, you could hear the chirps of birds of all sizes. It was the time of year where animals would start having their young, and the world would be full of new life.

While animals left their homes for the first time in months for food and for their young to see the world as it was for the first time, some people were finally doing the same. The winter months for some could be a depressing time in life, but they had to rough through it the best that they could. While that meant staying home away from the harsh times unless they have to leave, it was not always the same for others. There were those who loved the winter months and the beauty that it could hold when the snow was falling softly, twinkling in the sunlight, and laying gently on the tree tops creating a scene almost from a painting. No matter the type of person someone was, when spring comes around every year, most were filled with joy about it.

Spring was the time some people started new again in their lives or changed things up. It gave them the confidence to do so. Spring cleaning was something people did to help them let go of the past and let go of things that didn't have much importance to them anymore.

For weeks Phil had been telling Dan that they were going to have a "spring cleaning" day as he phrased it. Phil was slowly getting tired of the clutter around their house, and wanted to get rid of some things or donate them even. He knew that most things they had for a reason, but it was also time to let go to some things and move on into a new chapter of their lives.

"Dan?" Phil said, walking into the room and groaning. He could see Dan tangled in the blankets, fast asleep. Annoyance ran itself through Phil's veins, spreading throughout his body. Dan had promised that for once he would work with Phil and help, meaning he would be up at a certain time to help out, but again, he wasn't. Phil didn't know why he expected anything different from Dan. He stayed up most of the night doing who knows what, and typically didn’t roll out of bed until mid day.

However there was a soft spot Phil had for Dan that he had never quite grown out of from the relationship that they’d in the past. It was something Phil wished he could let go of, but he couldn’t no matter how hard he tried to. It was this soft spot that adored the physical attributions of Dan and the affections of Dan, even if it wasn't anything more than being friendly.

Sighing, Phil watched Dan for a moment. He noticed how Dan's hair was curled, something he was doing more often. Some locks were astray, and others were resting gently against his face, barely touching his skin. Rays from the sun were shining through the curtains where they split, landing on Dan. Under the warm light his olive skin was radiating in angelic bliss that warmed Phil's heart. The look of Dan at anytime, especially now as he was so peaceful and worry free, made Phil's jaw tighten, and caused him have to advert his eyes away.

Heading over to the bed, Phil gently shook Dan. "Dan?" Phil whispered slightly, shaking him again. Groaning quietly after a minute, Phil shook him again a bit harder. "Dan wake up. You promised you'd help."

Stretching, Dan groaned and rolled over, pulling the blankets over his head. "Five minutes," he mumbled and curled in on himself. Phil sighed, watching Dan turn into a lump under the blankets. Rolling his eyes, Phil grabbed the edge of the blanket and yanked it off Dan. He couldn't help but notice Dan's now broad figure, compared to the figure he knew Dan had when they’d met.

"Phil," Dan muttered, reaching over for the blanket, " 'S too early for this."

"Dan, it's eleven. Come on, you promised you would help me," Phil pleaded, dropping his blanket to the floor.

Dan made a noise that Phil couldn't exactly understand, and sighed. "If you decide to get up I'll be in the lounge."

Heading out of the room, Phil headed down the stairs to the lounge where he had previously started cleaning. A few empty boxes were scattered around for things that they weren't gonna keep. In the corner of the room was a pile of games - around maybe seventy-five, Phil had lost count - mixed with dvds that seemed to be a mountain in Phil's eyes. Wires were strewn across the floor, creating almost a death trap for them to walk through.

Grabbing a small box as he headed over, Phil sat down and started going through the mountain in front of him. There were games that he’d forgot the two had, and ones that held memories of when they’d played them together. It was silly, Phil knew, but he also knew that memories were something to be cherished, no matter how they’d formed. Picking up a case, he smiled at it.

_Rain poured down from the sky, bouncing off the tin roof, echoing a small ping with each drop. The streets were empty and the pavements were overflowing with puddles. The next day would draw children in from all over town to run through and frolic about in these puddles, bringing them joy. While it brought the children joy, others, despite loving the rain, despised it because it kept them inside, restricted and stuck._

_Stuck inside without much to do when there was a world outside to discover. That was how Phil managed to be lying on the couch looking miserable, as if someone that he loved had dropped him from their life as if he was nothing._

_Staring up to look at the ceiling, Phil pretended that he was counting stars. Not just anywhere though, but lying in a field with Dan by his side, their hands intertwined and laying on top of the soft grass. But that was fantasy, and the reality was that he was stuck inside with nothing to do._

_"Phil come on," Dan said, carrying in two mugs, nearly filled to the brim with hot chocolate. "You've been lying around all day. That's not you."_

_"M bored Dan."_

_Sighing, Dan took the mugs over, setting them on the stand and hoping that by the time he got Phil up, he could enjoy them without it being cold. Lifting Phil's feet into the air slightly, he sat down and placed Phil’s feet onto his lap._

_"What's the matter really Phil?" Dan asked, his voice gentle. He started gently rubbing his hands over Phil's legs as a sign of affection._

_"I'm bored Dan. I hate when it rains."_

_Dan cocked his brow in confusion, "You always said that you loved the rain, I don't get it."_

_"I do! It's calming and I love the smell, I just don't like that I'm stuck inside with nothing to do. There's no fun or anything like that Dan."_

_"Then we'll make our own fun."_

_"How can we possibly do that Dan? We don't exactly have much right now."_

_Dan sighed again and scratched the back off his head. It was true. The couple had only moved to London recently with very little, and it was taking a slow toll on them. Scanning the room, his eyes flickering over the small couch on the other side of the room. He went and looked at the T.V. set. Their gaming systems had just been set up and a box sat beside the stand filled with games of all different genres._

_It was as if a light-bulb appeared over Dan's head, making him seem like a mere angel for a moment. He jumped off the couch, startling Phil, who, because he was laying partially on Dan, ended up falling onto the ground._

_"Dan!" Phil nearly yelled, his hand on his chest as he took a deep breath. "I hate you sometimes."_

_"You love me," Dan teased, drawing out the 'e', "besides, I have solved your problem."_

_Moving to sit up and lean back, Phil stared at Dan. "No."_

_"It's not a bad idea Phil. Just listen alright." He looked over to Phil, waiting for a sign of approval, and smiled when Phil waved his hand telling him to go on. "You know how you can't beat that one Crash game you've been playing lately?"_

_"Yeah, why?"_

_Standing up, Dan walked over and placed the controller in Phil's hands and smiled cockily. "Each time you beat a level, you get to kiss me."_

_Phil started laughing and looked up at Dan who was staring down at him. "You're serious? Dan I kiss you all the time. What's different now?"_

_Dan shrugged and sat beside Phil, placing a kiss onto this cheek. "It gives you motivation because you get to kiss me."_

_"Touche." Phil said as Dan leaned in and kissed him briefly._

_"That was just for luck."_

Sighing, Phil placed the game back onto the pile and stared at the ceiling. Closing his eyes he starting wish, almost like he was wishing on a nonexistent star. Wishing for a relief and a chance for him and Dan that would never come like he thought it would.

Part of him wished to throw the game into the bin and never see it again, erasing the memory from the inner depths of his mind. However, he hated forgetting the memories that he shared with someone so dear to him, which made this tough.

"Hey," Dan timidly said, waving his hand and walking into the lounge. Waving back slightly Phil kept staring off, thinking about the odds. "I'm sorry I forgot you wanted to clean this place up today."

"It's alright." Phil smiled and motioned for Dan to sit across from him.

"So you aren't mad?" Dan asked, worried. "You seemed pretty annoyed a second ago."

"I was just thinking that's all." Phil sighed looking around the room. "We have way to much stuff."

Laughing, Dan smiled, his dimple popping out profusely and denting his near perfect skin. "We could always clean out the storage and put stuff there?"

Nodding, Phil looked at him and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah that sounds like a good idea."

Neither of them had any idea anymore what was in that small storage space. They hadn't looked in there in years. Not since they split up back in 2014. For all that either of them knew, both the room could be taken over by mice just as their house was at one point. Both of them, while slightly terrified of the mice, on some level loved having them around. It was almost like having the small pets that they couldn't have due to their leases.

The sun shined through the curtains, making Dan's curls shine in the light, appearing a lighter shade of brown than his hair actually was. Phil could see the shadows that were cast throughout his hair. It was like he was in a memory he lost each time he saw Dan's hair in that fashion.

It reminded him of the times when he would wake up before Dan and see him tangled in the blankets, his mouth open with just a small gap between his lips, and his eyes closed with his lashes resting delicately on his skin. Phil could still feel what it felt like when he would run his fingers through Dan's curled hair before he was able to straighten it.

Painful memories, however, were still memories that should be held onto, and he knew that. Even if it was something he tried to deny to himself everyday.

_Rays of warmth shined in,casting a feeling of bliss throughout him. Phil's eyes fluttered open slowly after a long night of slumber. His dreams, while they were pleasant and peaceful in many ways, abandoned him once his weary eyes opened in the morning. Luckily for him, each day when he woke he was greeted with someone still fast asleep beside him, dreams of who knows what running through his mind._

_Dreams that hopefully would one day be shared with him, that he would get to understand how they went and maybe - just maybe - get a slight insight into his mind. A mind filled with wonder and an extensive imagination that can make the best of things become a reality, and sometimes sadly the worst of things._

_Dan’s mouth was slightly parted as soft gusts of air rushed through his mouth into his lungs, expanding them and deflating with every released breath. The way that the sun creeped in through the curtain lace painted nothing but perfected pictures of warmth and beauty across his face. It shone through his hair, casting golden waves that fused together with the small flecks of deep brown that once before were merely a solid shade._

_The soft sounds that came from him while he slept were nothing more than a blissful feeling to Phil, one he would never grow tired of. No matter how much time passed, no matter how much time aged them to wish and to want to be their old selves once more._

_Moving closer to the body beside him, Phil pulled Dan into his arms, resting his weary head on top of his chest. It was comforting knowing that he had someone to love with such unconditional righteousness and hold dearly; almost as if he were about to slip from his mere fingertips and vanish into thin air. It scared Phil to know that was something he worried about, but he knew that Dan would always wake up in his arms. So that fear disintegrated profusely, never to be seen again._

"Phil?" Dan said, waving his hand in front of his face for the fifth time. Snapping out of his trance like state, Phil looked at Dan confused. "You alright?"

"Uh yeah," Phil spoke, rubbing his eyes and yawning slightly. "I just got lost thinking."

"What about?"

A lump formed in his throat. He and Dan never brought up their past relationship no matter what. In the past every time that they did, it ended in sorrow and a pain for the both of them - even though Phil didn't know why.

"Nothing, don't worry."

Dan cocked his brow and looked at Phil unconvinced. Phil knew that Dan knew he was lying. He was a terrible liar, if he didn't confess to Dan the truth, his tongue betrayed him and words spewed from his mouth releasing the truth.

Sighing, Dan shook his head. "Alright. I won't push it but I know you're lying." Yawning as he stretched his long limbs out, he said "Besides, we have to go clean this cupboard out."

Standing up, Dan stretched once more, Phil not helping but to admire his rather broad frame that he’d developed over the years. It made his mouth dry, and his eyes sting as if he’d just laid eyes upon the most angelic being in the entirety of mankind. Phil wished that he had some sort of control over himself, after all, the only mission that was due was for them was to clean the house for spring cleaning, and he’d already managed to mess that up somehow for himself. What was supposed to be a rather fun time for the two of them was nothing but a torturous moment that never ceased to end for him.

Dan caught him staring and chuckled. Just figuring that Phil zoned out, he snapped his fingers, causing Phil to look up at him abruptly.

"You coming?"

"Ye- yeah sorry."

Quickly jumping to his feet, Phil followed Dan down the hall. Thoughts running through his mind about the different things that happened in this hall. Both good and bad; some memories that he knows would make him smile, and others that would bring tears to his eyes. However, what he was unsure of was what was behind this small closet door.

"Well, time to see what we hid in here." Dan said opening the door slowly.

As soon as the door was opened, a few boxes fell out, causing Phil to jump back and shriek and Dan burst into laughter. Phil glared at him as Dan hunched over, his hand wrapped around him, laughter escaping with each breath that he took.

"It isn't funny Dan. I could have died!" Phil exclaimed, glaring at Dan as he wiped a tear from his eye.

"You're so dramatic dear god," Dan shook his head, stepping forward. "Well let's get these boxes out first."

Rolling his eyes, Phil moved forward, raising his arms to help catch a box full of items that Dan was grabbing and that was slipping from his fingertips. It was oddly heavy, and the bottom Phil could feel was corrosive and ready to fall through as they sat it on the ground. The flaps on the box were slightly open, letting Phil see into the darkness inside, but not the objects.

“Phil?” Dan asked, sneezing from the dust, “What’s that?” He asked pointing up to the top shelf.

There on the top shelf, just slightly out of Dan’s fingertips, was what looked like a book of some sorts. The spine, from what the two were guessing was a spine, was nothing more than a deep tan, almost like brown paper sticking out with nothing but string badly holding it together. What looked like white edes stuck out, their color a contrast to the deep color of the paper, making it seem like something old and sacred.

“I don’t know. Grab it I guess?” Phil shrugged, looking back to Dan. Neither of them knew what this thing that grabbed Dan’s attention was, nor did they ever remember buying it. From the look of what they could see, it was old and worn down, probably something that they wouldn’t keep.

Reaching into the closet, over the boxes and other miscellaneous items scattered about, Dan reached for the foreign object. In his fingertips the paper felt rough rather than smooth. He could feel each grain in the texture, spiking his curiosity even more.

However, Phil didn’t entirely seem all too interested in what it was. At this point he just wanted to clean up and be done so he could be alone, away from Dan. As much as he absolutely loved and adored Dan, sometimes he couldn’t handle staying in the same room as him because of his own selfish reasons.

“Oh my god,” Dan mumbled to himself, looking at the cover.

“What is it?”

“Remember that scrapbook we made made after the trip to Jamaica?” Dan asked, excitement evident in his tone of voice.

Confusion washed over Phil for a minute as he stared down towards the ground. Scrapbook? _The_ scrapbook _?_ The scrapbook that was vaguely coming back to Phil in flashes that he could remember tiredly watching Dan put together. Guilt washed over Phil.

_The hard floor beneath him, despite the carpet separating him and tiles underneath, was starting to make his back hurt as he lay there. While being on the floor for some reason meant that he was colder, he lay there in sweatpants, the softest ones that he had, and his old university hoodie. Luckily, it created a slight barrier between him and the ground that held little comfort._

_Drowsiness was slowly taking over him, running itself through his veins and spreading throughout. His mind was slowly becoming hazy and unable to create coherent thoughts. Everywhere he looked, his eyes would sting and he would keep rubbing them. Out of the corner of his eye, Phil could see Dan hunched over with what looked to be a stack of paper beside him, and photos scattered around._

_“What are you doing?” Phil yawned, rubbing his eyes once again._

_Looking up from what he was doing, Dan smiled, “Well since I’m going back home in a few days, I figured that I could make you this so you weren’t lonely. And that you have a piece of me here with you.”_

_Phil smiled hazily over at him. “What are you making then?”_

_Carefully setting his work on the ground, Dan stood, crossing the room and lying beside Phil. Tilting his head to the side, Dan met Phil’s tired eyes, watching his eyelids droop every so often._

_“It’s a scrapbook.” Dan said, his tongue slightly sticking out through his lips._

_Smiling tiredly Phil laid his hand on Dan’s cheek. “A scrapbook?”_

 

_“Yeah, I went and had copies made of some of the pictures that we took, and the ones from the trip to Jamaica, and now I’m putting them together for you.”_

_“Dan you don’t have to do tha-”_

_“But I want to Phil.” Dan cut him off, whining slightly._

_Phil laughed slightly, and moved his hand away from Dan’s face. “Okay Dan, just -” Phil yawned, interrupting himself, “just don’t feel like you have to alright?”_

_“Yes mum.”_

_Shoving Dan slightly, Phil rolled onto his side. “Go back to making your book.”_

_“And if you fall asleep?”_

_“Just leave me.”_

_Laughing a bit, Dan stood, walking back over to his small work station as he put it in his mind. Phil continued watching, trying desperately to ignore his eyes drooping. As far as he could tell, Dan was enjoying making it. He was trying to stick down pictures to the pages, writing something underneath some of them, some just leaving blank. Phil watched him smile bigger than what he usually got to see, and he assumed that whatever picture Dan was looking at was his favorite. Maybe it was, which made Phil’s curiosity peak even more, but if it was for him like Dan said, so he’d see one day._

Phil watched Dan smile, reminding him again of the day that he put it together.

“Come on Phil, I wanna look through it.” Dan said, walking past Phil. grabbing the older boy’s hand and dragging him along with him back out to the lounge. Sitting back on the floor in front of the couch, Dan looked up at Phil. “You gonna look through this with me?”

Nervously nodding, Phil sat down beside Dan, looking at the old book in the younger boy’s hands. His stomach was churning and the room was feeling hotter than what it really was, causing his palms to sweat and become sticky almost.

Watching as Dan opened to the first page, he was met with a small bit of relief. It was something innocent that Phil didn’t have to worry about. It was a picture of an evergreen Christmas tree, with decorations covering the largest majority of it. Under it, in Dan’s writing was _Christmas ‘09._

Phil remembered that Christmas very well. Dan and him had had an early Christmas, so he was able to go home in time and celebrate with his family, even though Phil knew he didn’t necessarily want to.

_“Dan, they’re your family, you have to go home.” Phil sighed, shaking his head. “You’re supposed to spend time with your family during the holidays.”_

_“Phil I hate going home.” Dan stared at him, scooting back to sit against the wall. “I don’t get along with my parents, you know that.” Sighing, Phil sat down beside him and took his hand in his own for comfort. “Dan, you have to. I know you don’t get along with them the best, but before you know it you’ll be up here going to university and just a drive away. Just, for me, try and get through it okay? You and I tomorrow are having our own Christmas so we have all day.”_

_Phil watched the sorrow on Dan’s face wash over as he looked down. It pained him knowing that Dan didn’t want to go back, even for Christmas. Home was supposed to be a place where you could feel loved and where you feel safe and want to go back to. Phil honestly couldn’t say that he knew for sure Dan felt any of those things, and it was heartbreaking._

“That was the first Christmas that we spent together.” Dan said quietly.

“And now we spend every Christmas together.” Phil chuckled as Dan kept looking through. Most pictures were okay, until he reached one half way through.

It was taken during the first snowfall of that year Phil remembered. Dan was on his back, Phil keeping him hoisted up so he wouldn’t fall. The snow was falling around them, landing gently in their hair, creating designs that they couldn’t see but that they knew held great beauty.

Dan was smiling in the picture, clearly evident that he was happy and enjoying himself. Phil’s head was turned slightly in the picture, as if he was trying to look at Dan. Dan’s lips were close to his cheek, as if he was going to kiss Phil’s cheek, but his smile was taking over, causing him to not be able to. Under the picture, once again in Dan’s horrid handwriting was _‘no matter what happens, I’ll always love you.’_

Tears slowly made their way into Phil’s eyes that luckily he managed to force away before Dan noticed. It hurt Phil knowing that they would never be the same again, but he knew he had to live with that. It would be alright though, he supposed, because at least Dan was with him in his life even if he was missing pieces of himself.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed this and if you want you can follow me on tumblr @rwdaf


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